So for basically my daughters entire life we have noticed that she kinda squints her eyes when she has been looking at something further away, but we have all just thought that, that’s kinda been her thing. But so about a year ago I started noticing that she was kind of cross-eyed. Not a lot though, but it would only happen sometimes so it wouldn’t be all the time. Therefor in the beginning I kinda doubted my own judgement and figured it was all in my head, overprotective mother and all that you know?
But after it kept happening a couple of times over a period of a couple of months or so I finally talked to her nurse at the child healthcare center. Lovely lady and we’ve had her for at least 2,5-3 years now and I absolutely love her! The first one I had I fucking hated. I always left the room with that nurse feeling like the worst mom on the planet. We moved and I got a new nurse and even though we moved back I rather went the extra 20-25 km than going back to that other old hag we used to have.
But so I contacted Zeldas personal nurse and she helped me and sent in a request to the eye doctors at the hospital. We went on a check about six months ago to check her eyesight, the cross-eyed-ness or what ever you want to call it. And they could see that she was cross-eyed but there was nothing wrong with her above that. Nothing wrong with her sight or anything. In fact her sight was perfect. But they still wanted to check up on her every six months or so. So that’s what we’re going to do tomorrow. We’re leaving here at 12.02 pm and we got the appointment at 3.15 pm.
The appointment takes roughly 1,5 hours or so and we wont be home until late. Best case scenario we’ll be home at 6.45 pm worst case scenario we won’t be home until 9.32 pm. Why the gap you might wonder? Well see I don’t have a drivers license and the bus’s to where I live are close to none… I absolutely hate living where I live, I used to love it but I have really started to hate it. I am working on trying to move to a bigger town, but the work will be done slowly but surely one step at a time. Being sick, not having a job and having a almost four year old daughter is kind of making things a bit harder and demands a bit more planning and a lot more of responsibilities to take care of. You don’t only have your own business to take care of, you also have to take care of your kids.
Getting rid of the diaper quest is on day two and we had a little victory last night at least. Instead of covering her entire bed in poop she accidentally (I at least think) took a dump on the floor. Today however, I don’t know how… but she took a dump on her pillow… BUT I keep going strong and I keep repeating the mantras:
”If you need to poop what are you supposed to do?”
”If you need to pee what are you supposed to do?”
Eventually she must get it right? Right?? Please God tell me I’m right haha. I wont give up, this is for her own good and I don’t care if I need to do laundry every other day. I will do it until I get her to stop taking a dump in her bed and actually do it on her potty and finally on the toilet.
But I will admit, during all this crap she’s been pulling (no pun intended) with all the poop-picasso:ing all over her bed, the floor, the walls, the doors, over stuffed animals… there have been times where I just wanted to break down and cry. And there have been times when I have opened her bedroom door and seen the room I spent hours cleaning the day before all covered in new poop again and I’ve went straight to the bathroom and locked myself in crying until I couldn’t cry no more.
I felt like the absolute worst mom on the planet. I didn’t know what I did wrong, I exhausted every solution until there was none left to try and get her to stop digging the poop out of her diaper and smudging it all over her things in her room and all over herself. And I was ashamed, I didn’t dare talking to anyone about it barely, until I met Henry. And he helped me, he just did what I didn’t think about doing… he googled. And thanks to him I found out that I wasn’t alone. I called my daughters nurse trying to see if she had any advice and she told me the exact same thing that, that google search had told Henry. That I wasn’t alone, in fact she even went one step further and told me that it was quite common and not the first nor the last time she’d ever hear about something like this.
This helped me a lot. But with my PTSD I found it hard sometimes to find the energy to keep going, to keep fighting and just keep on pushing towards getting rid of that diaper and getting her onto that toilet. I will admit, there were days when I was so worn down that I actually put a diaper on her and didn’t want to go with her to the bathroom. And today I hate myself for it, I keep thinking that ”maybe if I wasn’t sick and I had more energy, maybe Zelda would be diaper free now and maybe, just maybe she’d be going to the toilet without a problem like she used to.”
All though being scared of the ceiling-fan in the bathroom, I don’t take the blame for. Because she wasn’t afraid of that before and it’s soundless. It doesn’t make any noise what so ever, she just came home one day from her fathers and was terrified of it…
But I do blame myself for a lot of other things… and I hate myself for a lot of things when it comes to my daughter. And I probably never will forgive myself for being sick during her first years… but I am fighting so hard to get better. To be the mother who deserves to have a daughter like her. Because she is so smart, so well behaved (except for the poop part, we’ve talked about that), so funny, so loving, she’s always so happy and go lucky. She barely never cries, only when she’s sick, really hungry or really tired. But who doesn’t get overly emotional during any of those states right?
Any ways, I need to go make myself a snack before I go to bed. I am tired… I am still keeping up with the dishes, I’m doing real good and I’m proud of myself. The apartment over all is kind of a mess though and I need to do some cleaning. I also need to do a lot more laundry but there is time for that this week. Also Zelda is going to her fathers this weekend and I’ll be home for the first time in over four months alone because Henry has business elsewhere.