Utvalda

Self Love

This is me, I’m a BBW and I don’t care who knows it. I don’t hide under tons of clothes, I’m not ashamed of what I look like. But above all I fucking love myself! 💕

If I want to wear transparent, laced bodies or just have a very cut out neckline and show off my huge breasts I will.

Just because I weight 127kg don’t mean I shouldn’t be allowed to feel sexy, confident and beautiful. Why shouldn’t I be allowed to dress the way that I want? Feel comfortable and confident in what I wear.

my worth is just as big as anyone else’s and I’m so tired of people ogling me and asking me if what I’m wearing is really appropriate.

But last week there was actually a breakthrough. Normally elderly people are kind of hesitant to speak to me. They jump to conclusions about me and think I’m a certain way even though I’m not.

I got a big sidecut on the left side of my head, piercings, tattoos, weird vibrant hair dyes, dark lipsticks etc. according to my mom I apparently look like a gangster. Albeit I doubt she knows what a gangster really is.

But last week I met first one elderly woman at the bank who loved my look! Told me how brave she thought I was and how gorgeous she thought I was.

Later that same day in the grocery store I met this elderly man who also loved the way I look. He said how he normally doesn’t like piercings and tattoos but how he thought they fit me really, really well.

It was so nice and a huge boost to my ego and I honestly think I grew at least five centimeters that day 😅

I knew I had to start loving myself when I became a mother. Because if I can’t love myself then who’s going to teach my daughter to love herself? I don’t want her to grow up feeling as horrible about herself as I did.

I used to be skinny and I hated my body so incredibly much. I just wanted to break down into tears and cry my eyeballs out. I felt so gross and ugly. It wasn’t until I started to gain some weight that I actually started to love myself.

And what’s more important, self love or looking a certain way that the society demands of you?

Utvalda

Welcome to the inside of my brain

So, for a long time now I’ve been quite a hardcore Tumblr user. Albeit anonymously and only NSFW content. Although I do know that sort of stuff is not allowed on here I’m kind of thinking that I’m fine with that.

I wasn’t really using my Tumblr as of late anyways and mostly I actually just want a safe place where I can ramble on about anything and everything y’know?

So this is going to be my safe space. It’ll cover everything from self love to horror, music to movies, being a mother to dating, makeup and only God knows what else.

So yes, welcome to the inside of my brain. It is messy, it is all over the place. But above all… it’s fucking crazy.

Still Going Strong!

So I don’t really have anything of great importance to talk about to be completely honest. But I felt like I had to do some sort of update since I haven’t in a couple of days. So here it goes people.

The doctors appointment that Zelda had the other day went well, it felt kind of crappy though to sit on a bus for like 3,5 hours and then go see the doctor for an appointment that we thought would take 1,5 hours but only took 5 minutes. Why did I think it was going to take 1,5 hours? Well because the letter we got with the time and date said so… and then we had to wait for a little over an hour and then take another bus home again for 3,5 hours. So all and all a trip that took 7 hours for a 5 minute appointment.

If I had a drivers license it would maybe have taken 3 hours all and all with driving, parking, seeing the doctor and getting back home. Any ways, her routine check went more than well. She’s still cross-eyed, which I already knew. But her eyesight is still perfect. So we’ll get another appointment again in 6 months to keep an eye on it.

Zeldas potty training is going really good. We had an accident this morning with some pee, but NO POO-POO!!!!!! *victory dance* which is amazing! I am so proud of her! I thought it would take a lot longer. Of course I am well aware that there might be some setbacks but so far so good! She’s such a good girl and have now started to let me know on her own that she needs to do number two, which is amazing! Seems like she has finally learnt that it’s a lot nice to do number two on the potty than doing it in her panties, in a diaper, in her bed or even on the floor.

I’ve been good at keeping up with the dishes every day, so that’s something that makes me proud of myself as well haha. It might seem like something small, easy and silly to you guys… but to me this is a major thing. Having the energy to not only take care of my daughter but also cook and do dishes every day and several loads of laundry. I’ve had garbage bags full of laundry for at least 6 months or something that I haven’t had the energy to deal with and that I finally got rid of completely yesterday. Now there’s only a few loads of the essentials that I will take care of tomorrow or this weekend and then it’s all laundry free from here, yaaay!

I rinsed some old clothes from Zeldas closet yesterday that’s too small and I rinsed some clothes that I haven’t used in ages from my own as well. I haven’t been wanting to toss clothes from my own closet because I don’t like spending money on myself. So I rather have clothes in my closet so it looks like I have a lot of clothes when I really don’t and not buy myself new clothes. It’s so silly I know. But I am learning how to treat myself to new things every once in a while as well now. And now I really have to buy new clothes for myself.

It’s not that the clothes I had didn’t fit me anymore. It’s just that I didn’t feel like myself when I wore them… have any of you ever experienced that before? And a lot of the clothes brought back bad old memories, some of which I’ll probably get into sometime but that time is not today. 

But yeah, as you can see it’s just same old, same old over here. Progress slowly being made. Now I’m gonna eat some pasta, watch youtube and go to bed.

Motherly Duties And Doctor Appointments

So for basically my daughters entire life we have noticed that she kinda squints her eyes when she has been looking at something further away, but we have all just thought that, that’s kinda been her thing. But so about a year ago I started noticing that she was kind of cross-eyed. Not a lot though, but it would only happen sometimes so it wouldn’t be all the time. Therefor in the beginning I kinda doubted my own judgement and figured it was all in my head, overprotective mother and all that you know?

But after it kept happening a couple of times over a period of a couple of months or so I finally talked to her nurse at the child healthcare center. Lovely lady and we’ve had her for at least 2,5-3 years now and I absolutely love her! The first one I had I fucking hated. I always left the room with that nurse feeling like the worst mom on the planet. We moved and I got a new nurse and even though we moved back I rather went the extra 20-25 km than going back to that other old hag we used to have.

But so I contacted Zeldas personal nurse and she helped me and sent in a request to the eye doctors at the hospital. We went on a check about six months ago to check her eyesight, the cross-eyed-ness or what ever you want to call it. And they could see that she was cross-eyed but there was nothing wrong with her above that. Nothing wrong with her sight or anything. In fact her sight was perfect. But they still wanted to check up on her every six months or so. So that’s what we’re going to do tomorrow. We’re leaving here at 12.02 pm and we got the appointment at 3.15 pm.

The appointment takes roughly 1,5 hours or so and we wont be home until late. Best case scenario we’ll be home at 6.45 pm worst case scenario we won’t be home until 9.32 pm. Why the gap you might wonder? Well see I don’t have a drivers license and the bus’s to where I live are close to none… I absolutely hate living where I live, I used to love it but I have really started to hate it. I am working on trying to move to a bigger town, but the work will be done slowly but surely one step at a time. Being sick, not having a job and having a almost four year old daughter is kind of making things a bit harder and demands a bit more planning and a lot more of responsibilities to take care of. You don’t only have your own business to take care of, you also have to take care of your kids.

Getting rid of the diaper quest is on day two and we had a little victory last night at least. Instead of covering her entire bed in poop she accidentally (I at least think) took a dump on the floor. Today however, I don’t know how… but she took a dump on her pillow… BUT I keep going strong and I keep repeating the mantras:
”If you need to poop what are you supposed to do?”
”If you need to pee what are you supposed to do?”

Eventually she must get it right? Right?? Please God tell me I’m right haha. I wont give up, this is for her own good and I don’t care if I need to do laundry every other day. I will do it until I get her to stop taking a dump in her bed and actually do it on her potty and finally on the toilet.

But I will admit, during all this crap she’s been pulling (no pun intended) with all the poop-picasso:ing all over her bed, the floor, the walls, the doors, over stuffed animals… there have been times where I just wanted to break down and cry. And there have been times when I have opened her bedroom door and seen the room I spent hours cleaning the day before all covered in new poop again and I’ve went straight to the bathroom and locked myself in crying until I couldn’t cry no more.

I felt like the absolute worst mom on the planet. I didn’t know what I did wrong, I exhausted every solution until there was none left to try and get her to stop digging the poop out of her diaper and smudging it all over her things in her room and all over herself. And I was ashamed, I didn’t dare talking to anyone about it barely, until I met Henry. And he helped me, he just did what I didn’t think about doing… he googled. And thanks to him I found out that I wasn’t alone. I called my daughters nurse trying to see if she had any advice and she told me the exact same thing that, that google search had told Henry. That I wasn’t alone, in fact she even went one step further and told me that it was quite common and not the first nor the last time she’d ever hear about something like this.

This helped me a lot. But with my PTSD I found it hard sometimes to find the energy to keep going, to keep fighting and just keep on pushing towards getting rid of that diaper and getting her onto that toilet. I will admit, there were days when I was so worn down that I actually put a diaper on her and didn’t want to go with her to the bathroom. And today I hate myself for it, I keep thinking that ”maybe if I wasn’t sick and I had more energy, maybe Zelda would be diaper free now and maybe, just maybe she’d be going to the toilet without a problem like she used to.”

All though being scared of the ceiling-fan in the bathroom, I don’t take the blame for. Because she wasn’t afraid of that before and it’s soundless. It doesn’t make any noise what so ever, she just came home one day from her fathers and was terrified of it… 

But I do blame myself for a lot of other things… and I hate myself for a lot of things when it comes to my daughter. And I probably never will forgive myself for being sick during her first years… but I am fighting so hard to get better. To be the mother who deserves to have a daughter like her. Because she is so smart, so well behaved (except for the poop part, we’ve talked about that), so funny, so loving, she’s always so happy and go lucky. She barely never cries, only when she’s sick, really hungry or really tired. But who doesn’t get overly emotional during any of those states right?

Any ways, I need to go make myself a snack before I go to bed. I am tired… I am still keeping up with the dishes, I’m doing real good and I’m proud of myself. The apartment over all is kind of a mess though and I need to do some cleaning. I also need to do a lot more laundry but there is time for that this week. Also Zelda is going to her fathers this weekend and I’ll be home for the first time in over four months alone because Henry has business elsewhere. 

Family Day, Baking Gingerbread Cookies & First Night Without A Diaper

So today has been a both mentally exhausting day but it has also been fun! I could clearly see the progress I have been doing lately, much thanks to my amazing and lovely Henry who constantly challenges me and really motivates me to get better. Because even though it was mentally exhausting, I didn’t mind for the first time in years to be spending time with two of my siblings and all of our kids.

We all gathered at my moms place. My big sis and her three kids, her boyfriend and his two teenage daughters, my oldest brother and his two kids and then me and Zelda. There was this incident between my sisters oldest son and Zelda where he pushed her pretty badly but it was handled and everything went well.

Mom cooked some lunch for all the kids and an hour or so later the kids gathered around the kitchen table to do some gingerbread cookies. It was such an amazing atmosphere and the laughter’s echoed through the entire apartment. I’m pretty sure they could even be heard all through the apartment building, haha. 

I got a potty from my mother to have in my apartment for Zelda to use. She has the last couple of days been expressing how she doesn’t want to wear a diaper night time. I got the advice to put the potty in her bedroom and slowly but surely move it closer towards the bathroom, since it seems like her bedroom somehow is her safe place.

We got home about half an hour ago and in the car ride home Zelda fell asleep. On the way up the stairs to our apartment she told me she wanted to go to bed and watch some Netflix on her tablet. Said and done. We took her clothes off, left her with only panties and she requested to sleep in her Minnie Mouse bathrobe. She’s a real huge Minnie Mouse fan.

I put the potty on her floor in her bedroom close to the door and we went over the process of what she is supposed to do if she feels like she has to go ”wee-wee” or ”poo-poo”. Until I believed that she kinda got it. But tomorrow will tell and I will just keep on telling her every night what to do until she gets it and then slowly start moving the potty out of her room towards the bathroom. I WILL get that kid diaper free even if it’s the last thing that I do hahaha.

So now I’m laying here in bed, completely content with myself and proud of myself for getting through this day with fine colors in comparison to how it was last time the entire family gathered. I’m exhausted, but I’m happy. The only thing that could of possibly made this better would be if I had my man here with me to hold and kiss. I miss him terribly even though it hasn’t even been a week since I last saw him. And I know there will be weeks until I’ll see him again 😦 

Shared Custody With Long Distance Father…

So, I have a daughter right you guys haven’t missed that? Oh okay good. Well her name is Zelda and she’s like I mentioned in my previous post perfect in every single way… nine out of ten times. If she only could keep that God forsaken diaper on during the night OR start telling me when she needed to go to the bathroom she’d be fucking spotless!

Anyways, this isn’t so much about her as it is about… the ”father”… >.>

I say ”father” because sometimes he doesn’t really act like one. I know he has some diagnoses BUT I fucking hate it when people blame them just being assholes on their diagnosis. There is NO fucking diagnose that turns you into a self centered douche.  That’s just facts… that’s on YOU and NOT your diagnosis.

So there’s a lot of fucking backstory here that I won’t bore you guys with lets just say that he lives in his own little bubble and he tends to create his own little so called ”truth” that he believes in fully and he’s a spoiled little brat who still lives at home with his mom (28 years of age mind you guys!) and if he doesn’t get things his way… there’s kinda hell to pay. Or well at least a bunch of drama, because he is the BIGGEST drama queen there is.

We all know this one person who’s a huge Drama queen, take that person that you know and multiply that person with 10 and you’ll get the ”father”

So this year he’s meant to have our daughter for Christmas, he’s known this mind you for at least over a year. And one might think that one would plan way ahead about these things right? Nope… not him… and the thing is I just KNEW that as soon as the 22nd would approach he’d reach out and try and change things. That’s kind of his thing. It’s kind of always the same. And he always says that we have to cooperate but it’s ALWAYS me who just have to deal with the changes and just fucking make it happen somehow. I’ve done nothing BUT being cooperative. I let him have her even when he ain’t supposed to have her… if shit comes up or what ever I am more than cooperative and try to help and find solutions. But nope… not him as of late. So this time I just knew that instead of him having her 22nd of December to 30th of December he was going to text me like he always does and say either ”Hey I’ve been thinking….” OR ”I was going to ask you something…” that’s when I always know what’s coming. And I knew it was going to come even before he asked anything about it. Isn’t that kind of a telltale about how often he pulls shit like this?

Now here’s the thing. I have the court on my side on this. We have on paper how it’s all supposed to be over Christmas, New Years, Spring Break, Easter Break, Summer Break, Fall Break and so on. And no we don’t have to follow it to a tee, but it’s good to have for those instances where we won’t get along. Like when it comes to Christmas. That is a Holy Holiday to me. I used to love Christmas as a kid, then I grew up I found it kinda dull, boring and pointless and then I became a mom and I just started loving it again. I want my daughter to be with ME for Christmas. She lives full time with me, she only sees her father two weekends per month and four weeks divided over to occasions during the summer and some of the breaks from kindergarten/school. 

But this is apparently not how it works in Sweden. Nope, apparently you take turn every other year who has the kid over Christmas and other Holidays. So this is something that we most certainly DON’T agree on and I won’t budge and just lay down this time like I always do about EVERYTHING because I’m scared that he’ll once again drag lawyers and court into this. He’s done that before, when he didn’t get what he wanted. And instead of trying to resolve the issues between us like two adults, he’s been telling his lawyer, who’s in turn told my lawyer that has then told me…. like what the fuck?!

Anyways… enough rambling about this. I just needed to ramble about this to someone. I can’t do it on the phone with someone I actually know because I have ONE rule and ONE rule only. I NEVER EVER talk badly about my daughters father in front of her or so that she can hear it. Because despite everything, she loves him, he loves her. And there’s only 14 more years until she’s considered an adult and then I don’t have to have anything to do with him anymore.

Just One Of Those Days

So, we all got these days. Where we have so many things to do and it feels as if there ain’t enough hours on the day. Right? Or is that just me? However, right now I’m sitting here on the toilet seat, NOTE not the actual toilet and doing my business, just watching my daughter while she’s eagerly playing in the bathtub, in the shower with her Dinosaur bath toys.  

I’ve done a bunch of dishes as you have to do every single day because for some weird reason they just don’t do themselves… *sigh* and I’m doing so much laundry I think my hands are going to bleed. 

And between all of this I need to make dinner, change the sheets in my daughters bed after yet another accident from her taking of her diaper in the middle of the night instead of telling me she needs to use the bathroom OR that she has done number two or one in her diaper and wants a new one. She, as you might of guessed, still wears a diaper during the nights. I have a hard time getting her dry during the nights. And as of late I have a hard time getting her to use the toilet over all because out of nowhere she has decided to become afraid of the fan in the bathroom.

I would love to have some extra hours to properly clean her bedroom, but above all some extra energy to be fair… I know, I know. I can’t do it all in one day and I need to give myself some credit after all. I am keeping up with the dishes, I am doing a lot of laundry that is well over due and I am succeeding to do all this while being a ”single” mother. I am not single though however, that just seems to be the only translation of what I’m trying to say. I very much have a boyfriend, but we don’t live together so I take care of my daughter all on my own, all while battling a huge depression and my PTSD. 

But even though I know I should be proud and celebrate all these small ”victories” I just can’t stop feeling like I should do A LOT more, y’know? Does that feeling ever stop for us parents? Like we ain’t enough, like we don’t do enough? Do we love our kids enough? And is it enough to love them as much as we do? Or do we need to give them things and gadgets and stuff as well for them to be happy? Does it really make them happy to have this HUGE and grand birthday party or 20+ Christmas presents, or does that boost our own ego and make us think that makes us better parents?

I can’t help but wonder these things you see… because me, myself… I felt like a complete failure this one year when I was still with my ex and he refused to do anything about not having an income and I couldn’t afford ANY Christmas presents at all for my daughter nor any birthday gifts… I felt so completely and utterly worthless. Because to me, I have always wanted to be able to give my daughter the things I never got as a child. I had a good childhood, don’t get me wrong. I just had to wear a lot of hand-me-downs whether it was toys or clothes. And I don’t want that for my daughter. I don’t judge people who buy secondhand clothing or toys to their kids, it’s just something that I personally don’t want to do, because I basically ONLY had that myself as a kid and I remember how ashamed I felt growing up due to it. 

I think I’m not alone when it comes to this. Frankly I think it is quite normal for us to wish for our kids what we couldn’t have ourselves. But I think it is important that we somehow find a balance. I believe it is okay to spoil our kids, just as long as you teach them the value of being grateful, respect, love and responsibility. So if there’s anything that I’m proud of to have achieved it is that. For only being four years old she is very polite, says thank you whenever she gets something, thanks for her food, says goodnight, tells me she loves me and asks for hugs and kisses several times per day, wants to help cleaning, doing dishes, cooking, doing laundry etc. I can go on and on bragging about my daughter, but I won’t. Because it is time for me to end this post here, because she just told me that she’s done showering. So I gotta dry her off, put some clothes on her and then continue to do some more laundry before I have to cook dinner.

The Darker Things In Life

All my life, I have been drawn to the darker things in life. I have been able to see the beauty in even the most ugly things, the things that people normally may or may not see the beauty in. But to me they are just simply… perfection.

in-the-rain-abstract-dark-art-camille-kleinman

To you, this might seem like something scary, ugly, morbid or just horrifying. To me, this is art. This makes my soul purr like a very satisfied cat. I look at it and I just get hypnotized. The artist of this abstract dark art painting is Camille Kleinman. And I would love having this hanging on one of my walls in my apartment.

What do you see when you look at this painting? I imagine a little boy, suffering a great loss. Maybe his village has burnt down? I don’t know why, but I just imagine the boy being from a very long time ago. When people plundered and perished entire villages.

That little darker figure in front of the boy is what I believe to be a Demon or maybe an Angel of Death? All the grey around him I believe is the smoke from the village burning. Maybe this is the exact time where the boy decides to revenge his entire village?